Burning Down the House
by Sora Matasuki
Summary: Joshua is your average Transfan, but one day in the middle of the night his newly acquired Optimus Prime, AOE edition comes to life. A realistic look at a transformer figurine gaining life and a fan's reaction. Or at least... what my boyfriend would do... Oneshot


"Joshua I can't believe you convinced me to do this!" I heard Sarah scream at me as we ran through the crowd, and I fought to keep the insane laughter from escaping. Oh who was I kidding?! I was called Captain Crazy at school for a reason ya know…

"MAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I let out a cackle, grinning at the weird looks the irregular shoppers were giving us and relishing in the chance to show my girlfriend just what went on in my life on a semi daily basis - if I was lucky.

"GIVE ME _AGE OF EXTINCTION'_S OPTIMUS PRIME YOU SLAGGER!" One of our pursuers bellowed, hot on our afts and another cackle escaped my mouth at the glorious sound of chaos behind us as we raced around the corner and escaping the candy aisle.

Sarah let out a breathy little groan, clearly out of breath while I wasn't even remotely winded. I glanced back at her and to observe if she had fallen behind me. A distinct possibility as I was 6'1 while Sarah had flatlined at a solid 5'.

Sure enough she was far enough behind me that if I continued on at my pace, I'd have to call her a casualty to the exciting game called "Get the Last Of a Bran' Spankin New Transformer Figurines and Avoid Getting Trampled by Enraged Fellow TransFans". I know, long title. Came up with it myself!

So I spun on my heel and scooped my tiny midget of a girlfriend under one arm and then ran for the checkout lines with the aforementioned Enraged Fellow TransFans who were frothing at the mouth (I'd have to check to see if any of them were bitten by a mad dog or something cause that was _not _normal) and hot on our heels.

"Oh no it's you again…" a busty blonde cashier sighed before doing a double take at the squirming girlfriend I held in one arm. I grinned at her and set the new Optimus Prime figurine down so she could scan it.

"Hiya, Tiffany!" I greeted the cashier who dutifully scanned in my prize with that same expression of shock on her face while my girlfriend squirmed some more.

"Joshua let me down! I can keep up!" Sarah complained, which I ignored.

"Not gonna happen, Sarah. You're just too… tiny." I grinned and chuckled at the pout on her round face.

"I'm not short, I'm fun sized…" she grumbled, feet not even touching the ground.

"Whatever you say, honey." I laughed before digging out my wallet to purchase my newest Prime before shooting the entourage of glaring EFT's a smug grin and a wish for them all to Live Long and Prosper before handing my prize to Sarah to hold.

We went marching out of the store before I eyed one of the shopping carts.

"Joshua don't you dare -" my girlfriend started, eyes wide behind her glasses but then it was too late as I plopped her down in an abandoned cart and started running, laughing at her screams.

"JOSHUA! PUT THE SHOPPING CART BACK, THEY NEED IT!"

"Oh, they can survive with just _one_ shopping cart gone!" I said dismissively, "Hold on honey cause we're going uphill!"

We veered off the asphalt and onto a slowly inclining sidewalk and Sarah clutched at the sides of the shopping cart while muttering something in that weird Asian language that she was completely fascinated by.

She was probably swearing at me.

We reached the top of the zipping sidewalk and then I increased my speed, laughing as her muttering grew louder as the ride grew bumpier. We eventually reached the corner that we'd turn at and waited impatiently for the light to turn into the white person so we could race across.

"Joshua, people are _staring _at us." Sarah complained.

I rolled my eyes. "It's not as bad as when I'm out in my banana suit! Then I get a ton more stares!"

Sarah stared at me before slowly shaking her head, bushy curls falling into her face. "...I'm not even gonna ask." she finally said.

I laughed and then the light changed to the person instead of the orange hand and we were off again! Sarah's cursing in foreign languages was music to my ears as she bounced around, her knuckles turning white from the force of her grip on the sides.

But like all good things, me giving my girlfriend a ride with a shopping cart came to a halt as we reached my house.

"We're home honey!" I grinned down at her and she let out a shaky breath, glasses askew and curly hair windswept and very poofy.

"Joshua. That. Was. Insane." she said slowly through gritted teeth.

"More like crazy." I corrected her. She rolled her eyes.

"Whatever. Here's Optimus." She handed me my figurine and then hopped out. If you were looking closely you could see how her knees were shaking and her balance was shot, but just a little.

I reached over and steadied her, and she clutched my hand. I could feel her trembling. Did I really scare her that bad with the cart ride?

"You okay?" I asked and she gave me a wobbly grin, knees still shaking slightly.

"Yeah, I'll be okay. Just let me get my balance back." she assured me and sure enough I could feel her trembling slowly die down after a few minutes.

"Shall we enter my abode, fair lady? For I must touch up the great Prime's paint. The factory messed it up a bit." I said, making her giggle as I swept the hand that held my newly aquired figurine up in a grand gesture.

"By all means, grand artist." Sarah said loftily and we entered my house.

"C'mon, the paint's in here." I told her, leading her down the hall and into my dad's office. I sat down on the nice comfy chair and then started riffling through the drawer, trying to find the small tubes of acrylic paint, and the three toothpicks that I used as a brush.

"So what did they get wrong this time, oh great artist?" Sarah asked, her warmth pressing soothingly against my side as she peered at the figurine.

"There's supposed to be some red flames on his chassis from the movie that they didn't put on." I said distractedly before letting out a noise of triumph as I found the red tube of paint. "Plus they tend to not color in the lights in the alt mode and that bugs me. I'm a small detailist really. I'm not as good of an artist as you are."

I knew she blushed at my offhand comment. "I'm not _that _good!" she said, trying to sound modest.

"'Methinks the lady protests too much'!" I said with a chuckle, grinning down at her. She scowled at me.

"That's a misquote and you know it, Josh!" she scolded, a smile fighting to escape her deadpan.

"English geek." I snickered. Sarah stuck her tongue out at me.

"You're a geek too, ya know." she shot back. "Look at your room, every shelf and flat space not your floor is covered in Transformers figurines! Including your wall! There must be hundreds of the little things!"

"I can't help that it's been ingrained in me since childhood!" I protest, grinning.

There's silence with us for about a minute and then we burst out laughing.

"Okay. Okay, I really should start working on him." I say, digging out a piece of black cardboard and dab a tiny bit of red on it so I can scoop the paint up on my toothpick.

Sarah rests her head on my shoulder, content to watch. "Do you really think my art's that good?" she eventually asks, suddenly insecure.

I pause from my outlining of the red flames on his chassis to glance down at her as she resolutely looks at Optimus Prime as he rests in my hand. I let out a sigh, before starting to paint again. "Of course, Sarah. You've gotten really good. And don't get me started on your writing because before you say anything, yes that's art too. You're a really good artist. You make the pictures and words come to life."

"Thanks, Josh…" came her quiet reply and she shifts so her head is on a more comfortable part of my shoulder. Her arms slowly wrap around the arm I'm using to hold Optimus and rest there, half hugging it.

I have to admit as far as awkward hugs go, it's very comfortable. And soothing. Actually, everything about Sarah just seems to make my heart loosen and relax, and this is no different.

We remain in comfortable silence for a while and in that time I manage to complete most of the flames on his chassis. I'm rather proud of myself.

Then the silence is broken by the buzzing of a phone on silent and Sarah sighs, a hand loosening from her grip on my arm to dig into her pocket.

"It's my dad. He says he's about to turn off the exit to come pick me up."

I pout, putting the toothpick down and letting the flames dry. "Aw… Why can't you just sleep over?" I whine, only half joking about the sleeping over part. She gives me an unimpressed stare and I snicker before growing solemn again.

"But seriously, do you really have to go?" I ask, heart sinking as she nods with a sad frown.

"Yeah… You know that midnight is my deadline…" she sighs. "Tomorrow we fly home…"

...did I mention that Sarah now lives two states away from me and we have a long distance relationship since last year? No? Well now you know, cause long distance relationships can suck. Big time.

I pull her into a hug and breathe in the scent of her bushy curly hair. "I don't want you to leave." I whisper and I feel her arms wrapping around my shoulders.

"I know, Love." she sighs, patting my back gently. "I don't either. When we graduate I'll see if I can get a job down here or something. I want to come back."

"I know… but I hate goodbyes…" I sniff, pretending that I'm not crying. I'm not! There's… just stuff in my eye. Both of 'em. _Shut up_, who asked you anyway?

She squeezed me and I took in a stuffy breath to smell that sweet scent of hers before we pulled away to the sound of a car's honk and my heart sank at the loss of her gentle warmth. We stayed there, in that office and close enough to touch but still so far away. But we needed to go, I knew that if we kept Sarah's dad waiting he would lob my head off with that big scary sword of his that I just _knew _he brought with him everywhere.

Her hand trailed down my arm and her fingers curled around my own. I squeezed them, still privately marveling on how her hand fit perfectly in mine despite how long we've been together. A second honk filled the night, pulling me out of the Sarah-induced daze I was in.

Okay. Time to go, for real this time.

We walked quietly up the hall and out the front door to the porch, where the cold night air nips at my skin and Sarah shivers, pulling close to my side. I put my arms around her again and leaned down. Such was the problem of height differences.

"Have a safe trip, Sarah." I whispered, choking on my words before she locked eyes with me and we leaned forwards, lips gently greeting on that secluded porch.

The third and final honk filled the air and caused us to separate, and I knew it would be a long time until I could see her again. Possibly until after graduation in June, practically a whole year.

Sarah drew back, clear reluctance in her eyes underneath her glasses. "Goodbye, Joshua."

And then she was gone, and with her any warmth as she climbed into the white 2010 mozda. Her dad turned his head and glared at me, making me gulp, before he put the car in reverse and peeled away.

"You'll come back, right?" I whispered, suddenly feeling doubt as she was driven away and I was left alone. It was a very depressing feeling.

I let myself be depressed for about ten seconds then turned around and went back inside.

"Joshuwa darlin' did Sarah-bear leave you again?" My brother singsonged from the kitchen and I glowered at him.

"Shut up, _Jakie_." I shot back and ignored his girly shriek of outrage. "She's going home, not _leaving._" Me, I silently added, glaring since I knew that Jacob would understand my unsaid meaning.

"Jacob, leave your brother alone." my mom called from the couch, making me blink in surprise. Usually it was the other way around…

Well, it was justified since I _did _have a tendency to kick at my little brother until he left me alone and that tended to end with girlish screams that hurt my ears and made me even more irritated. And violent.

I went down the hall and back to the office to complete the detailing. By now, Optimus' paint should have dried so I could transform him into his alt mode and do more detailing work. Like the lights… goodness the lights always needed touching up…

I slipped into the office and sat heavily into the comfy chair with a groan. I let out a sigh and rifled through the drawer to get out the white paint for the front lights.

And then came the most trying part of being a Transformer figurine collector… the transforming by hand… I grabbed the instruction sheet and began after rolling up my sleeves.

An hour later and I had finished the transformation and was now carefully applying paint to the lights and gently blowing on the wet coat to make it dry faster. I had already painted the back lights red and was now using my second toothpick to paint the front lights white, changing it from a metallic plasticy grey.

I finished the left one and moved to the right, dipping my toothpick in the white paint again and about five minutes after that I was blowing to dry the paint's second coat. Job accomplished. Now to put him somewhere in my room…

I knew just the place.

I walked out of the office with the instructions tucked firmly in my pocket and headed downstairs to my room, which was directly infront of the stairs. There, I entered my abode and was greeted by the familiar view of all my transformer memorabilia, all $ (insert amount here) of it.

Sarah wasn't lying when she said that the only clear flat surface was my floor. Every shelf I had, was claimed by a transformer. I even had a Grimlock that was so big that he went up to my waist, hiding by my closet that refused to shut.

I had begun collecting when I was a kid and I guess I just never stopped.

I set my newly detailed Optimus Prime on the top of the shelf I had built myself when my parents had gotten annoyed about the transformers encroaching out of the territory of my own room and to the hall outside.

Fear me, for I have successfully built something from Ikea.

I shifted his semi-truck form about a bit until I was satisfied and then I fell back on my bed, completely exhausted from the day. I didn't even bother to change out of my clothes because my eyelids were too heavy and my limbs felt like they were weighed down by bricks.

Basically, I was too tired and too lazy to even turn off the light. I kicked off my shoes lazily and slipped under the covers.

I was out as soon as my hand fell across my stomach.

* * *

I awoke to the stillness of the middle of the night, darkness the only thing I could see. It felt like it had only been seconds since I had closed my eyes but when I glanced over at the clock, I saw it read 3:00 am in red glaring letters that burned into my eye sockets.

I groaned and rolled over on my side, instantly regretting falling asleep with jeans on. Then, I paused, blinking in the darkness. Did someone else turn off the lights? My parents never came down to the basement at night time so it must have been Jacob or I was more tired than I thought and had turned off the lights myself…

And another thing, what was it that had caused me to wake up? I groped blindly for my phone and cringed at the brightness the screen wielded. Ow… But there were no new messages so that option was ruled out. Was it an email or something?

With a groan, I sat up and rubbed a heavy hand across my aching eyes and let my phone read my thumbprint.

No new emails.

Did something heavy fall or did I just get kicked out of a dream I don't remember dreaming?

With a loud groan of herculean effort I pushed myself out of the bed, stumbling slightly as I stepped into the dark of my room, the brightness of my screen lighting my way to the light switch.

Dimly, I heard a soft noise that sounded very familiar, but my tired brain couldn't put the pieces together. I hit the light switch and turned around to grab my laptop and then let out a very manly scream.

Optimus Prime in miniature jumped what must have a foot. I felt my breath come in short gasps as my voice tossed out meaningless gibber.

My brain short circuited as the foot tall toy that wasn't a toy got into a fighting stance and primed his weapon and I just knew my jaw was going to hit the floor and somehow make it's way to China.

"What is your name, giant and what is your species!" It wasn't a question, it was a full blown angry Primely _order_.

Despite myself I felt a gulp fight it's way past the lump in my throat as terror clouded my mind. Eyeing all the other transformer toys I had collected throughout the years, I came to the conclusion that if _Optimus Prime _was alive and talking, and that a good amount of my collection consisted of a significant amount of Decepticon forces, it would be best to retreat. For forever.

I spun on my heel and booked it out the door, narrowly missing the flimsy plastic bullet that was aimed for my head as I whirled back around and slammed the door shut, breathing heavily.

Okay. Okay. There's a talking transformer toy in my bedroom and _it just shot at me._

I was refusing to acknowledge that this was Optimus Prime, diplomatic to a fault when he had to be and by running away like that I had just shot myself in the foot metaphorically speaking when it came to being in his good books.

I glanced around the hallway and headed for the second kitchen we had. (Don't ask me why we have one, I just like having a fridge closer to me.) There probably were matches inside the cupboards…

I stopped, observing the thought. Why would I want matches?

_To light a fire, duh. _Came the answer.

I frowned. If I set fire to the house, I'd lose everything. Fire was not something to play with.

_But… something's possessing my toy, it could infect the others and eat our brains! _

This was a valid point in my mind and so I continued on my way in my newfound search for some matches.

After rustling in a few cupboards with no results, I finally found my quarry in the far back bit of a shelf. With a noise of triumph I grabbed the box and headed back to my room where tiny thuds could be heard. The toy must have been banging against the door to see if it could get out.

I grabbed a match from the box and brought it to the edge of the rough end and hesitated.

Another muffled bang reached my ears and that did it for me. With a whuff, I lit the match and quickly opened the door to toss the match inside before slamming the door shut again and running to toss the matches back where they were.

Already smoke was slipping out of my door and I knew I had done what I had set out to do.

Then reality smashed the seeds of my smug accomplishment as i realized that I was burning my _house _and there were other people in the house besides me who were most likely still asleep. It _was _three in the morning after all.

Swearing, I ran upstairs and slammed open my brother's room. "JACOB WAKE UP THERE'S A FIRE!"

"Wha's za? I thogh' mumny told you no playin with the matches, Joshy?" my brother say sleepily, hair a mess and eyes half lidded with sleep.

I walked further in, brisk movements. "Up, up! Get UP!" I yelled, shaking him by the shoulder and practically shoving him out of bed. We didn't have _time _for me to be nice! "Don't stop to grab anything just get out and as far away from the house as you can!"

"I'ma go back to bed, Joshy. Fire can' hurt you in dreams." I gritted my teeth and slapped him across the face.

"WAKE UP, IDIOT! THERE'S A REAL FIRE AND WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!"

_That _woke him up. "Josh? Wha's goin' on?" he yawned, rubbing his cheek and pouting at me.

"There. Is. A. Fire." I growled. It was around this time that the smoke detectors finally turned on, proving my point.

Jacob's eyes grew very, _very _wide and a girlish squeak left his lips. "Let me get my shoes."

My grip on his shoulder tightened and I steered him away from his closet. "No time! We need to get out, NOW!" I shoved him infront of me.

"Josh! Mom took some sleeping pills before she went to bed!" Jacob yelled at me as he ran out the door.

I swore, and ran to my parents room. It just had to be this week that Dad had gone on a business trip, the last having been five years ago. So it fell to me to get Mom out of the mess _I _had made.

I shoved open the door, and saw my mom sleeping peacefully on her bed, sleeping like a log.

"MOM GET UP, THERE'S A FIRE!" No response. I groaned and braced myself to scoop her up bridal style, gritting my teeth at her weight when suddenly, a rush of something caused me to not feel the heaviness of her dead weight anymore.

It was adrenaline, and I knew it was well warranted because there already was smoke filling up the top from the stairs. A litany of curses filled my mind and spilt out of my mouth as I shuffled as fast as I could to get outside, coughing from the smoke.

Slowly, but surely I inched my way forwards and after what felt like an eternity choking on smoke, I stumbled outside where Jacob was waiting anxiously on the porch and took a bit of Mom's dead weight upon himself.

If I had been told a week before that me and my brother would set aside our grievances for more than just a minute or two, I would have recommended that they should go see my psychiatrist to get their head checked. But here we were, quickly navigating the stairs down from our porch and heading across the street and between the two of us half carrying half dragging the drugged form of our mother to safety.

I dared to look over my shoulder and saw flames reflecting in the windows as a crowd of neighbors in pajamas rushed towards us, having been awoken by their own fire alarms and our own.

"Oh my goodness, what horrible timing!" one of the old ladies on the corner fretted and I grimaced, setting our mom on the wet cool grass so she could sleep off more of her sleeping pills.

Even with me and Jacob's jerky ride, she hadn't woken up.

"Will your mother be alright?" the old lady asked us. I nodded, face tight around my frown.

"Yeah, she just took sleeping pills. We're lucky that Joshua had woken up in time to smell the fire and wake me up." Jacob said and I nodded again, frown deepening.

"Oh you poor dears, do you know what caused it, Joshua?" she addressed me. I shook my head in negative.

"No." I said, feeling sick to my stomach as I turned around to regard our house as a window finally broke and flames roared out of it. "I'm just lucky something woke me up in time."

No one had any reason to doubt me. The only one that knew the truth would be melted plastic by now.


End file.
